Solve for x: a(b(c(d(e(f(x)))))) 

a(x)=((girl)/(boy))(x) 

b(x)=((wincing when people call me a girl)-((smiling when I’m called a queen)^(i’m not actually a queen))(x)(it’s so much easier to just be a girl)) 

c(x)=((liking the color purple)/(hating the color pink)(my aunt giving me flowers for my birthday)/((liking to use the word gay to describe my sexuality)(hating being gay))-(((not knowing if i’m actually gay because isn’t gay just the word for people loving the same gender)^(x))-((sin(wrapping ace bandages around my chest yesterday until my ribcage creaked with each step)-cos(not wanting to waste fifty dollars on a binder in case i’m faking it))^(“it’s just a phase”+being cis is easier) 

d(x)=((wanting to try on the ball gown in the dusty window of the consignment shop i pass walking to the bus stop every wednesday at 5:46)/(closing my eyes when i shower and forcing my peppermint soap to act as a mediator between my hands and the goose bumped skin beneath them))^(x)-(shaving my legs and armpits, liking the feeling of being smooth, slippery)^(going out of my way to peruse the men’s deodorant aisle and run my fingers along the edges of the hard, plastic caps. raising a few to my nose until i find one that isn’t too strong, one that feels obligated to include a paragraph justifying why it’s manly) 

e(x)=((i want to be called pretty and handsome in the same breath)(cutting my hair off one night, carefully brushing on mascara another))+(sin(i feel like batman except i’m bruce wayne except i’m both of them at the same time: cape flapping, mask pulled down, untucked plaid shirt, loosened tie))^(x) 
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f(x)=(or perhaps i am cinderella’s stepsisters, tracing a cleaver along my skin, hacking off flesh)^((birds diving upon my scalp and feasting on my brain, festering wound)(roles and metaphors, clichés i dream up to fulfill))/((x)(i have heard that people do not believe that i exist and i am beginning to wonder if they are right)(if i even wish to be perceived at all))
Zoe Reay-Ellers is a writer from Washington State. You can find her work in The Heritage Review and The Eunoia Review. When not writing, she can be found baking and taking long walks. You can find her on Twitter @KMidelan. 
header image: Roman Mager via Unsplash